How I Met Your Mother Season 8 “Take Two” | Spec Script

INT. MACLAREN’S PUB – DAY

TED, ROBIN, LILY and MARSHALL sit at their regular booth. They each have a beer in front of them.

TED (V.O.)
Kids, in the fall of 2012-

INT. TED’S HOUSE – FUTURE
Ted’s SON and DAUGHTER sit on the couch.

SON
Wait. Dad…are you an alcoholic?

TED (O.S.)
What?

DAUGHTER
Yea, Dad, you and your friends
spend a lot of time at the bar.

TED (O.S.)
Well-

SON
Yea. Don’t you do anything else?

TED (O.S.)
Well, I guess we’re at the bar a
lot but-

SON
Seriously, what kind of example are
you trying to give us?

DAUGHTER
And when the hell do you meet Mom?
It’s been years! Can we just cut
the crap and get to the part when
you meet her already?

TED (O.S.)
I’m sorry! I’m getting there! Okay
let me just tell you this story
first.

Daughter and Son GROAN.

TED (O.S.)
It’s a good one!

INT. MACLAREN’S PUB – DAY
As before.

TED (V.O.)
Okay so as I was saying, in the
fall of 2012, I was still searching
for your Mom, and Robin had just
been fired from her job.

LILY
How are you holding up, Sweetie?

ROBIN
Guys, I’m fine. It’s only been a
week.

TED
Where’s Barney?

ROBIN
I don’t know. He said he’d be
coming.

MARSHALL
That’s what she said.

LILY
Good one, Baby.

Marshall and Lily high five without looking at each other. PATRICE hurries into the bar.

PATRICE
Robin! Hi!

ROBIN
Patrice what are you doing here?

PATRICE
I wanted to come by and see how you
were doing. I baked you cookies!

ROBIN
NOBODY ASKED YOU PATRICE!

PATRICE
Oh I know. I just wanted to cheer
you up. They’re fresh out of the
oven!

LILY
That reminds me. I’ve got uh…
something in the oven.

TED
Something in your oven?

LILY
Well uh… something I’d like to
put in my oven…

Lily gives Marshall a look.

TED (V.O.)
Kids, your Aunt Lily and Uncle
Marshall were trying to have a
second baby. And they weren’t
always subtle about it.

MARSHALL
Oh! Yes. Let me go help you put
that thing you want in your oven…

Lily and Marshall leave the bar.

TED
Patrice, it was nice of you to come
by and see Robin.

PATRICE
Of course! You can take some
cookies too, Ted!

Ted dives for the cookies.

TED
(mouth full)
These are really good.

Robin gives Ted a deadly look.

ROBIN
Patrice-

Patrice looks at her watch.

PATRICE
Oh, I have to get back to work now.
It was nice seeing you, Robin! Bye!

Patrice leaves the bar.

TED
You should be a little nicer to
Patrice.

ROBIN
It’s her fault I got fired!

TED
Is it really though?

Ted picks up another cookie.

ROBIN
Don’t eat those, Ted!

TED
But they’re so tasty.

BARNEY runs into the bar.

BARNEY
Guys! Guys! You won’t believe what
just happened!

EXT. COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY CAMPUS – DAY
Barney and MELISSA, an 18-year old girl wearing a Sigma Sigma Beta Letter shirt, stand in front of Columbia’s Sigma Sigma Beta Sorority House.

MELISSA
So you’ll come to our party
tonight?

BARNEY
(fake Spanish accent)
Of course.

Melissa twirls her hair around her finger.

MELISSA
Okay. Bring some of your frat
brothers. Are they 22 like you?

BARNEY
Oh si.

INT. MACLAREN’S PUB – DAY
Ted and Robin sit at the table. Barney stands.

ROBIN
Seriously? How did this girl get
into Columbia?

BARNEY
Suit up, Ted. We’re going to a
sorority party.

TED
Barney, no. Just no.

ROBIN
Yea. That’s a bad idea.

BARNEY
Robin, you wouldn’t understand. Do
they even have sororities in
Canada?

ROBIN
Please. At our sorority house
parties, the snow kept the beers
cold and-

BARNEY
That’s adorable. Come on, Ted!

TED
I don’t know. What about Robin?

ROBIN
Don’t worry about me. I’ll just go
home and think of ways to get
Patrice fired- I mean, look for
jobs.

TED
Robin-

ROBIN
Seriously. I’ll be okay.

BARNEY
(sing-song voice)
Come on, Ted. Young single ladies
who would be fascinated by an
architect.

TED
I never went to a sorority party in
college…

BARNEY
You’ve never what?! Okay. We’re
going. It’ll be legen- wait for it-

EXT. COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY – SIGMA SIGMA BETA HOUSE – NIGHT
Ted and Barney stand in front of the sorority house. There are students partying and drinking everywhere. Barney and Ted are in suits. Ted wears a bow tie.

BARNEY
Dary. Legendary.

TED
Barney are you sure about this? I
feel like a pedophile.

BARNEY
Relax, it’ll be fine. By the end of
the night, we’ll be scoring hot
college babes.

TED
I still can’t believe I let you
talk me into wearing a suit.

Ted fidgets with his tie.

BARNEY
Yeah, except you’re wearing that
stupid bow tie.

TED
What? Bow ties are cool.

BARNEY
No they’re not, Ted.

Melissa walks over to them with a group of girls, all around the ages of 18 to 20.

MELISSA
Hi Mario.

Ted gives Barney a look.

BARNEY
(whispers in Ted’s ear)
Just go with it.
(to girls in fake Spanish
accent)
Hi Melissa. Melissa, this is
Santiago.

Ted gives Barney a side glance

TED
Hi.

BARNEY
He doesn’t speak much English. So!
Party yes?

The girls giggle and they head inside.

TED
(warningly)
Barney-

BARNEY
Dude, it’s cool. Relax.

Ted SIGHS.

TED
Fine. But I better get laid
tonight.

Barney laughs and puts his arm around Ted’s shoulder. They walk inside.

INT. LILY AND MARSHALL’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Lily and Marshall are in their candle-lit bedroom. Marshall finishes lighting the last candle and sensually turns to Lily.

MARSHALL
Are you ready?

LILY
Oh yeah. Come to Mama.

Marshall and Lily aggressively walk towards each other. MARVIN’s CRIES are heard from the next room. Marshall and Lily stop.

LILY
I thought you said you put him
down.

MARSHALL
I did!

LILY
Marshall, we’re supposed to be
having sexy time!

MARSHALL
I know. Let’s just let him cry.
It’s good for him, right? To start
learning independence?

LILY
Yeah.

Marshall and Lily kiss. Marvin’s CRIES get louder. Lily and Marshall give in and stop kissing.

LILY
It’s okay I’ll just go check on
him.

MARSHALL
Yeah.

LILY
I’ll be right back.

Lily leaves the room. Marshall sits on the bed, impatient.

INT. WORLD WIDE NEWS OFFICE – NIGHT
Robin, wearing an all-black spy outfit, stealthily rolls into an office. A name plate on the desk says, “Patrice.” She turns on the lights and closes the door. She sneakily goes around the office, rummaging through drawers.

ROBIN
Come on, Patrice. You gotta be
hiding something.

Robin sits in Patrice’s chair and starts typing at the computer. Shot of computer screen: A file that reads “Confidential.”

ROBIN
Aha!

Shot of screen: folder clicks open and numerous photos of kittens pop up.

ROBIN
Seriously?! How am I supposed to
work with this?!

The office door opens and Patrice enters. Robin freezes.

PATRICE
Robin!?

INT. COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY – SIGMA SIGMA BETA HOUSE – NIGHT
Ted and Barney stand by a flight of stairs. They drink beer. People are partying and drinking everywhere. Loud music plays.

TED
Barney, I feel weird not talking to
these girls. Why did you tell them
I couldn’t speak English?

BARNEY
Please, I did you a favor. You’re
not here to talk. You’re here to
party and bang some rich girls with
Daddy issues.

TED
I don’t really know if I-

BARNEY
Ted. Look around. We’re at a
college party! We’re in Bro heaven.

Melissa and her friends appear.

BARNEY
Hey…

MELISSA
It’s Melissa.

BARNEY
Right. Right. I knew that.

GIRL #1
Hey Mario, your friend is really
hot.

Ted’s ears perk up and he smiles smugly to himself.

GIRL #2
Yeah, I like his bow tie. It’s
so… foreign.

A GUY drunkenly falls down the stairs behind them. They GASP. The guy jumps up and throws his hands in the air.

GUY
This party ROCKS! WOO!

The PEOPLE around him cheer.

TED
Let’s go be that guy.

GIRL #2
(surprised)
I thought you didn’t speak English.

TED
Uhh.. I learn quickly…Someone
give me a shot!

Barney and Ted get shots and take them together.

INT. LILY AND MARSHALL’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Lily and Marshall are dressed in sexy lingerie. Marshall is under the covers and Lily stands by the bed.

MARSHALL
Marvin’s fast asleep?

LILY
Yep. I fed him and it sent him off
to dreamland.

MARSHALL
(seductively)
Well. Now it’s my turn.

LILY
Ooh.

Marshall’s cellphone RINGS on the nightstand next to him. Marshall looks at it.

LILY
Marshall, don’t you dare.

MARSHALL
It’s my mom.

LILY
(warningly)
Marshall.

MARSHALL
I can’t ignore her calls. I’ll have
nightmares of her disappointed
face. I have to answer.

Marshall looks from the phone to Lily, clearly anxious and indecisive. He gives in and reaches for the phone.

LILY
Marshall!

Lily dives for the phone but Marshall gets there first. She slips across the bed covers and lands on the floor.

MARSHALL

(on phone)
Hi Mom…

Lily gives Marshall death stares from the floor.

INT. COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY – SIGMA SIGMA BETA HOUSE – NIGHT
Ted does a handstand over a keg of beer. As he drinks, Barney, Melissa, her friends and other PEOPLE cheer him on.

PEOPLE
(chant)
Go! Go! Go! Go!

Ted comes down from the keg, stumbles and lets out a loud burp. Everyone laughs. Barney pats him on the back.

GIRL #1
Santiago, you’re so talented.

Girl #1 kisses Ted. When they part, Ted leans in to talk into Barney’s ear.

TED
Thanks, bro.

BARNEY
Don’t mention it. I’m your best
friend-

TED
Marshall’s my best friend.

BARNEY
-and as your best friend, I had to
make sure you went to at least one
wild sorority party in your life.

TED
Thanks, Barney.

Ted throws his arms up in the air.

TED (CONT’D)
I LOVE COLLEGE!

Everyone cheers. Ted and Barney take more shots.

INT. WORLD WIDE NEWS OFFICE – NIGHT
Patrice stands in the office doorway. Robin sits in Patrice’s chair.

ROBIN
Patrice, what are you doing here?

PATRICE
I left my cellphone in the office
so I came back to get it. What are
you doing here?

ROBIN
Because you got me fired!

PATRICE
What? What are you talking about?

ROBIN
I don’t know how you did it, but I
know you’re guilty.

PATRICE
Why would I do that? You’re an
amazing co-worker!

ROBIN
You must be hiding something. No one can be this nice, Patrice!

PATRICE
But you’re nice.

ROBIN
No I’m not! And if you didn’t do it
then what were you doing in Mr.
Hobb’s office before he called me
in to fire me?

PATRICE
I brought him cookies. It was his
daughter’s birthday and I know she
loves home-made chocolate chip.

ROBIN
His daughter’s birthday? How do you know these things?… So
if it wasn’t your fault, then why
was I fired?

PATRICE
I don’t know. You’re amazing.

ROBIN
No one can be this nice, Patrice!

INT. LILY AND MARSHALL’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Lily and Marshall are in bed. Marshall hangs up his cellphone.

LILY
Finally.

MARSHALL
My mom says hi.

LILY
No she didn’t.

MARSHALL
No she didn’t. I turned my phone
off so we won’t be bothered again.

LILY
Good. Now I can have you all to
myself.

They go under the covers. The door to their bedroom bursts open. Marshall and Lily
yell. Barney and Ted, clearly drunk, stumble into the room and blearily look around.

TED
Wait, this isn’t my room. Oh, hey!
Lily! Marshall!

MARSHALL
Ted what are you doing!?

BARNEY
Marshall what are you doing in
Ted’s room?

LILY
Guys, this is our room. Can you
please leave us alone? We’re kind
of in the middle of something.

Ted gasps and giggles.

TED
Oh, Barney. I think Lily and
Marshall are having…(whispers)
sex.

BARNEY
What! Where?

Barney stumbles around, turns his back to the bed and waves his head left and right.

BARNEY (CONT’D)
(slurs)
I don’t see them.

MARSHALL
God, guys. How much did you drink?

TED
(slurs)
Marshall, the party was GREAT.
These-these girls thought we were
Spanish frat guys and we-

BARNEY
Where are they, Ted? I want to see
Lily’s ta-tas!

LILY
(angry)
All right. That’s it.

Lily gets up from the bed, grabbing a bed sheet to cover herself. She grabs Ted and Barney by their shirts and throws them out of the room.

TED
Hey!

BARNEY
Wait! I think I saw a nipple!

Lily slams the door closed.

INT. TED, LILY AND MARSHALL’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS
Ted and Barney fall to the ground.

TED
Ow, that hurt.

BARNEY
(giggles)
Nipples.

Ted and Barney stand up. Robin comes into the apartment.

TED
Robin, what are you doing here?

ROBIN
(dejected)
I tried to sabotage Patrice at work
but she caught me. And it turns out
it wasn’t her fault I was fired.

TED
So you’re going to stop trying to
get Patrice fired?

Robin sighs.

ROBIN
I guess… At least for now.

BARNEY
(slurs)
Let’s get her fired anyway! Or-or
let’s get her on fire!

ROBIN
Wait, are you guys drunk?

TED
Barney! This is it! We can finally
get our own bar!

BARNEY
And we’ll call it Puzzles!

Robin sighs and slams her hand on her forehead.

INT. LILY AND MARSHALL’S BEDROOM – CONTINUOUS
Lily stands in her bed sheets by the door as before.

LILY
That’s it, Marshall. I think the
universe is trying to tell us
something. Maybe we’re just not
supposed to have another baby.

Lily sits on the bed and starts to cry. Marshall hugs her.

MARSHALL
No, baby. Don’t think like that.
We’re gonna have another baby. I
know we will.

LILY
Look at our lives, Marshall! We
barely get any alone time. I mean
look at the bozo we live with!

Lily gestures to the bedroom door.

LILY (CONT’D)
And we’re already struggling with
Marvin, I just-

MARSHALL
I know, I know. But it’ll be okay.
We’ll make it happen… Maybe now’s
just not the right time.

LILY
When will it be the right time?

MARSHALL
I don’t know but I think the
universe will tell us when.

LILY
You sure?

MARSHALL
Yes.

Marshall and Lily kiss.

MARSHALL
Are you still up for-

LILY
Yeah. Come to Mama.

Lily and Marshall kiss. A KNOCK is heard at the door.

BARNEY (O.S.)
Are you guys doing it yet?

Lily and Marshall groan in annoyance.

INT. TED, LILY AND MARSHALL’S APARTMENT – NEXT MORNING
Ted, Barney, Robin, Lily and Marshall sit in the living room. Ted and Barney are sprawled on the couch with ice packs on their foreheads and their eyes closed.

ROBIN
So. How are you feeling, guys?

Ted and Barney moan in pain.

LILY
Looks like you couldn’t handle a
little sorority party, huh?

Barney raises a finger, his eyes still closed.

BARNEY
Still saw your nipple.

Lily throws a couch pillow at him. Barney groans.

 END

– Paola Crespo ©2013

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